The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
