I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
