Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
