I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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