I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
