My friends, they love my intelligence
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
