Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
