Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
