dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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