I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
