I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
