First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
