I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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