I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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