Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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