you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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