There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
