She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
