hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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