Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
