I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
