he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
