If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
