My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
