If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
