I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
