when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
