i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
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Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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