you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
