I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
