Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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