My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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