Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
