True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
