saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
