They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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