swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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