Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
