I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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