i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Less talking, more tequila
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
