Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
