pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
