even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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