Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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