i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
