I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
