Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
