I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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