I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
