I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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