sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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