my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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